you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
