the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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