At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
