I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize