she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
