i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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