I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
