just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
