I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
