Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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