The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
