I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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