dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at about main and main street
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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