mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
