i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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