Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
