oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
