I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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