I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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