he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
