when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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