he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
