so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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