My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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