Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
