i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
