i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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