I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
