We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
