True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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