Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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