i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Found the puke drawer
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
