I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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