I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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