no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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