whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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