70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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