Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
