too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
