I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
