So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
