Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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