hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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