I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
