Cold hands, warm shart.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
