Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
