You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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