I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
