wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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