I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
