I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
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Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder