Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
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How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?