I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
