Got a toothbrush?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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