Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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