I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
